It was 2011, when I finally quit smoking. I could not walk from my front door to my front gate without being winded. I spent 7 long years doing battle with dreaded nicotine. I tried going cold turkey – my family could not handle it and bought me cigarettes. It was then I tried hypnosis in private sessions, I was down to one cigarette a day and then the doctor had a heart attack…went back to a pack a day. The gum, the shot, the patch, and none of it worked for me. I heard a radio advert about a guy dying from cancer and I would cry and light up. Finally, Chantix saved my ass. All I can say: was I could smoke; I just didn’t want to. After the first 6 months, I noticed a change in me.
Just this small thing started to change my life. The first 6 months clean after 20 years smoking was hard – my body fought hard…nightmares, diarrhea, fights inside my head about how it would take away stress, heart palpitations, etc. were common and I would just block it out. I ended up having a heart catheterization done. My body was cleaning out and I went to the doctor. We spoke of why I wanted to improve, and he ordered a battery of tests. I do not like pharmaceuticals so, most of what he ordered was supplements.
In 2013, I was diagnosed with tumors on my thyroid. It was a rough time in my life, and I was doing my best to keep my head above the waterline. I kept a strong outward face, yet inside I was just wishing for God to call me home. Situations happening on every front – my relationship with much of my family was in chaos, my employees were coping with their own issues, my business itself was changing, I was going to college, and my health issues – mostly I was unhappy and exceedingly depressed. I saw sign that said ‘You are responsible for your own happiness’. How could this be true? Then another that said, ‘You are responsible – it is not how the situation handles you but, how you handle the situation.’ My doctor touted how if I just tried to lose weight, I would not feel so bad. My family often wished I was dead. Going to school at my age, relearning how to study and retain the most possible. Worst of all were thyroid tumors, pre-diabetic, and talk of hip replacement. OMG WTF was I thinking? Most days my head felt like it would explode so, just hand me another candy bar and it will be fine.
I had 3 classes in a row each with a different nutrition base – how to use food for medicine, what should be in your food, and how the body uses the food (these are not the name of the classes but, their basic idea). My doctor was both a medical doctor and a doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine, I made an appointment to discuss how tennis, walking, kayaking, etc.…was not taking off the weight and how we could clean my life up. My balance was off, I could not tie my own shoes or cut my toenails - I had quit smoking cigarettes 2 years before and now I wanted to be strong. I wanted to improve my life.
This all sounds easy, it is not. The hardest person to deal with is you. First you have to quit ‘treating disease’ – this does NOT mean to stop doing anything (meds or exercise), it means to ‘nurture your health’. I am so American; it took me a few years to grasp the concept. Next you must look yourself in the mirror naked and BE HONEST, here you look at what you like and do not like about your body…just remember, you cannot change a fantasy so be honest with yourself (and do not be hard on yourself). Then sit down in quiet with your personality – what do you like and not like…and again be honest because you can only change what is real. The last thing you must do is be real about who and what is around you…is it what is best for you, are you taken into consideration or is your presence only needed when they want something, is this person or things getting where you want to go or holding you back. As you transform, you will lose people and others will pretend they are happy for you and talk shit behind your back – it does not matter, you see it is their problem not yours.
The food had to change or at least what passed for food. After one class, Cooper came over to find every ounce of food on the floor. The look on his face was ‘MasterCard Priceless’ and I would have killed for a camera. I would not eat anything I could not pronounce and if I was not going to eat it, into the trash it went. I was on a thyroid pill and started working out but, it was not enough, nothing was happening. I was unaware that I was eating the wrong food at the wrong time of the day and what I wanted to eat instead of what my body needed. I had to learn a new way – this would mean I had to change everything I knew about eating.
The naked mirror was frightening. I had been a massage therapist and personal trainer so; I knew we were talking years – it did not go on in a month and it was not going to come off in a month. The mirror showed every bulge and wrinkle. I took pictures of what I wanted to keep and what must go. I spoke to several ‘Personal Trainers’ who all gave me their thoughts. At this point when I asked to be trained, they just gave me high figures because no one wanted the job. I was obese and old in their eyes. This hurt but, I would not give up. When I took the picture of my back, I wanted to cry, it had rolls and my once cute ass, now looked like cottage cheese.
The self-reflection is not easy. I kept hearing the names other people called me and not really what I thought of myself. I enjoy being loving and have a very sweet nature but, when I used to get upset – well we will just say that I wanted better control of my mind and emotions and for them to have less control over me.
I wanted to repair relationships that I valued and start getting rid of relationships who did not value me. It is important not to burn bridges because like you, someone else maybe growing. This is hard because people will see the old you – unhealthy, fat, and unstable. It will take some months and others years to accept the changes you are making…and some NEVER will. Keep in mind you are important too.
Okay, this is the start of Transformation. I started in 2011 and it took me until 2015 to get here. I was 300 pounds in 2011 and by 2015 I was able to get down to 275. The biggest thing is you must resolve to be positive and take each day as it comes. Everything starts with how you think I will post the next part of the story later this week.
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